[ on the bus mall ]

Surplus reprieve. Another one. How much time has passed since the last? Bah.

A reminder that i'm a work in progress?

I don't know. A reminder of something, to be sure. Something annoying.

Is it possible to protect oneself from such thoroughly engrossing shame due to the inevitable yo-yo esque stupidity of it all? Bah. And Humbug. Respectively.

Oopsiedaisies.

365 poems / 365 days.

Already days late and not knowing how to begin.
cramped in a waiting room. It is impossible to work at home -- impossible to think through blankets and snow, impossible impossible.

But here, the body is in revolt!
So. No thinking. It's always this way. Can't think. The body is in revolt.
Which leads me to the obvious:

The body is revolting.

It's ironic that all morning I have been in a funk, I woke up in it in fact, and my internet has not been able to connect either until just now (as I write this) (and no I was not in a funk because I could not get on the internet... I am not that addicted). In life I have this overwhelming feeling that I cannot truly connect with people, I cannot truly invest myself, and that I truly cannot depend on others for any feelings of happiness. It doesn't make sense for numerous reasons; I look at my best friends and I am truly connected with them, I look at the things I have done in the past and I have truly invested myself (being an Eagle Scout and having a degree prove it), and my friends and family do bring me happiness. I guess I just want more or something different. I am happy, really. Life is going my way, and I generally have everything that a person could desire in life (except my own place lol); I have a great supportive family, I have awesome friends, I have a good job that I get to work in a field I enjoy (sort of).

I did not want to turn this into a new years resolution, but my mind has turned it into that. This new year I want to move out and truly be independent. I love my family, but it is just about time. I want to buy a home, not rent, but come summer we will see how my finances are and where life is taking me. I want to invest, and I don't mean in money. I mean in people, in myself, in a career, in my pets, in my happiness. If you look at everything I have I should be happy, and for some reason I'm not. I guess I lied earlier in this post, I guess I was just trying to convince myself. January will be the month that determines the direction of my year (and I mean that in a serious way, not a dramatic way). I'll be starting a new job, working out my finances, career hunting with UNM, networking with local (Rio) politicians at some parties, researching my future education, and the BIGGIE I will find out if I moved on to the next round of Foreign Service hiring process. I already made it to the second round, but now I will see if I got to the third and final one. Lets just say I got a job offer from them today, I would be gone. Yesterday, I would not have been. Two weeks ago, I would have been. My mind is really undecided, but it is toying with my brain. I think it is a big factor on investing in others. If I found out I was leaving in July my cold Vulcan mind (nerd moment! People who know me well should get this) then I would see no point in investment, however I want to be able to. If I got in I would not be moving out until I move to DC. But I really won't know until May probably. I hate waiting. With this, I don't feel I have anywhere to bring my friends. I know both my parents welcome me bringing people home, and neither of them are actually embarrassing (lol), but I don't feel I can. I feel that gaining my true independence would let me start fresh and really just live how I want. I don't naively think moving out will solve everything, but I think it will be a major step. I guess what I will do for the new year is try to invest regardless of what reasoning tells me to do. Really, sometimes I feel like I am a Vulcan, and very few people will understand that. But I know, inside, I have a lot of emotion ready to just spew (love, and good emotions). I have an idea where I want to start, now I just need to build up the guts to do it! Haha.

Today ended up being my last day at Old Navy. I was expecting for my last day to be Sunday and then today my boss was all "oh I decided not to schedule you" and it became my last day today. I'm happy about it, but I am also a little sad. I've been there 5 and a half years! It's the end of an era! I'm excited though, I talked to my new boss this afternoon, and she is making me excited to be there!

Also, on an unrelated note... sometimes I wish I had more guts and just put myself out there more. For instance, I meet guys that intrigue me, but I am too nervous to let them know...

That's all for tonight! lol

Impossible to start.
She tells me what she's done to show she means it.
She says, yes, the whole bottle. And then the other.
A gesture we all know.
Stand in front of a mirror with your hands full.

I want to ask her about hesitation.
The moment she understood that this, too, could be undone.
Does it come before or after the throat's slick functioning.
The world suddenly dissolving in your belly. And you, at the top of the stairs,
saying yes.


The radio cracks, static.
another song swallowed by the air. Impossible, somehow, to tell her that

If I could ask her anything
I would ask if she bothered to look at the sky.

And now for the test...

Don't ruin it with too many words, self. Don't break the rules.

Wait and see. Truth will surface.